There hasn’t been anything to do at work ever since we stopped taking in CAG samples. And lately, it has gotten bad. The number of times I said, “I want to die” was rather worrying. I was losing it. I was on my way to rock bottom. There was only so much shallow conversation I can take.
I’ve tried ‘bonding’ with my colleagues and it only lasted for a day. I’ve played games, even minesweeper. I tried to start reading again but I’ve been in a book slump for the longest of time. I am losing it. I’ve been making dark humour to cope with the urge and it is killing me.
I need to do something to kill time. I cannot just sit in the lab and do nothing even though it’s great but I cannot keep doing it day after day, week after week. I am going to falter, I am going to isolate, and I will hit rock bottom. I am trying to do things at work to keep my brain occupied.
It’s tiring doing work but it’s even more exhausting doing nothing. To others, doing nothing for hours is fun, it’s great. Getting paid to do absolutely nothing but I can’t. My brain isn’t wired like that. I fucking wish it is and it sucks that it isn’t. I’m working to keep myself occupied, not giving my brain a chance to tell me to unalive myself.
It’s different at home because that’s my safe space. There is no way for me to get bad. But at work, my brain is trained to do things. To fully utilise it so by the time I get home, I can unwind. It doesn’t have to be on overdrive. It doesn’t have to tell me it’s getting bad.
But nobody at work really understand. How do you tell your colleagues, “hey let’s have intellectual conversation once in awhile so I don’t actually want to die?” Because you don’t. Because they don’t work that way.
I can’t keep depending on Zur to fill my hours with those conversation because he has work and I need to figure it out on my own. Honestly, I’m not surprised if one day I actually decide to do it at work, however fucked up that sounds. The urge of instant gratification will catch up if I don’t do something about it.
