I went through my tumblr posts and I forgot I even went through those dark days. It’s crazy. I was only 15 years old and I had 2 guys looking out for me. And instead of choosing one of the two, I chose someone else who ended up being an abuser. I’ve always wondered what if I chose one of the two.
Then comes 16 years old, and a friendship broke my heart so bad I spiralled from the healthy life, to EDs. That was dug deep in my memories.
I was 17 years old and I loved him. Insanely hard. I knew that. Because I dropped a guy that I was dating, for him. Only to have my heart broken again. But I know I would do it all over again, at 18, at 19, at 20. I would pick every single broken piece and hand them back to him. I know very well I would run back to him without a doubt.
At 19, I was seeing 2 guys. Everyone knew one of them was the better one. Everyone including me but once again, making the shittest of choices- I chose the guy who had nothing going on for him. Well to be fair, I was very much broken still from my previous relationship and I do feel they kind of rushed me into a relationship. I left before I was too late. I’m glad I did. Then again, what if I chose the medic instead? What if I didn’t do the deed and broke his heart? My god, I was such a bitch, wasn’t I.
Moving on to what it seemed like a short-lived hoe life, I was still waiting for the guy that I loved my whole heart even though I know he won’t come back. Though I did swiped on one of his friend, not knowing they were actually friends. I was petrified to say the least. What if I see his face again and drop his friend for him. Lol.
Nonetheless, I fixed myself. I put my broken self together again and I was perfect. Then I met someone. The guy I met at 17 wasn’t happy with how fast I moved on, I wished he knew why. Anyway, he brightened up my life, the way no one else can. He, unlike the others, complemented my life. He, unlike the others, made me feel like I was always enough. He, unlike the others, gave me space and time, to breathe, to think. He, unlike the others, spoilt me rotten. He, unlike the others, has never said no. He, unliked the others, showed me how a woman should be treated. He, unlike the others, deserved me. All of me.
He had substance. A very distinct thing about him. He made me think, put my brains to work. Questioned things that I usually don’t. I married him for obvious reasons. He did, however managed to break my trust, not that he did the worst of deed but it was bad enough to break it and I’m not sure if that will ever be fully fixed but he’s trying. I appreciate his efforts. And going back to being unlike the others, he did not rush me to forgive him.
He’s an incredible father to our child, and an amazing husband to me.
I used to have a lot of ‘what ifs’ but it doesn’t matter at this point when I already have my happy-ever-after. I hope the men whose heart I’ve broke, and the one who broke mine, you’re all happy now. Maybe except that one guy who laid his hands on me. Not you. You’ve never showed any remorse or regret for what you did to me.
