There’s a lot of things on my mind that I kept pushing away. A LOT. But I don’t know what to do about it. And I feel sad. I just stopped talking about the issues because what’s the point. Let’s be real. It’s not going to help and I don’t want to be the party pooper so I rather just ignore it and focus on whatever’s in front of me. I feel like I stopped putting myself first, or any sort of self-importance.
I feel like I’m losing myself day by day and it’s honestly sad whenever I think about it. I even stopped doing my skincare. I just do the bare minimum, showering. It sucks. I don’t even want to feel anymore. That’s it. I just want to go on about my day taking care of my child, put up a front in front of my family and colleagues, head home and retract into my shell. I have so much pent up…frustration? Anger? I don’t want to exhaust myself even more.
And I don’t want to hear anything about me from anyone. All I want to be is on auto-pilot. I don’t want to be in tune with my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts even. Just need my human needs met from rest to food and hygiene and that’s all. Even the thought of killing myself is long gone. If I do have suicide thoughts…and then what? I’m not going to go through with it so why bother.
I cry and cry and cry. I’ll end up sucking it up and just moving on with the day. Who do I talk to? Who do I turn to? Especially when I don’t want to go to anyone anymore. What for. Nobody truly understands. A person can only sympathize so much. They’re not going through the waves with you. And I don’t want to talk about it and being reminded. I don’t want to feel more pathetic than I already am feeling.
I am not ok and I don’t want to be ok. I am hurting a lot, and in so much pain. I’m not wallowing in self-pity, I’m way past that. I’m just acknowledging that I will not be ok for a while and I have no plans on being ok. Emotionally, I’d like to be dead. Physically, I still prefer to be alive. There’s really nothing much for me to say aside from these rambles.
